


Deep in his Heart

by acrazyworldofdreams



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Love Triangle, M/M, Self-Harm, slightly gory, triggering content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 00:45:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18325271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/acrazyworldofdreams/pseuds/acrazyworldofdreams
Summary: Jaemin struggles to get out of bed each day, and doesn't think it can get any worse.Until he walks into the Sushi restaurant and sees Renjun and Jeno closer than anything.Dread fills his heart before it breaks, and he spirals downwards.





	Deep in his Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: please be aware this fic contains fairly graphic descriptions of self-harm, please don't read if you would be triggered by this. Also features a severely depressed main character. 
> 
> This fic is based from a number of personal experiences, but please let me know if you think anything is harmful or damaging in my portrayal.
> 
> If you ever need to talk, please DM me on twitter: @na_emily. I am always willing to listen.

Deep in his heart Jaemin knows this can’t continue for much longer.

But bills have to be paid, even if the work he is doing to pay them is slowly killing him inside each day.

Every day he wakes up to the trill of his alarm. Once silenced, he lays in his bed running through a million reasons why he should get up that day. Any reason to get out of bed. It’s a constant fight.

Did he have plans?

How many time had he called in sick this month?

What work needed to be done?

Could he go in a bit later?

These are the questions he has to answer each day just to get up. It’s exhausting and he needs to do something before…

Today he does have a reason to rise.

Lunch with Jeno and Renjun.

It’s been so long since they’ve all been free at the same time. Jaemin would rather die than miss it.

But going to the lunch means going to work and work eats him up alive. They are worth it though. They are always worth it.

Arriving at work, he sees he’s only 20 minutes late but Jisung still side eyes him from his cubicle across the way. Jaemin being late is pretty normal now, but it’s not okay. Not really, and one day it’s going to bite him in the ass.

This day though, it doesn’t, and his morning goes by slowly. The report he’s working on which should have taken 30 minutes, is still in the early stages 2 hours later. He doesn’t know how he’s not been fired.

He shouldn’t be here anymore.

Thoughts of Jeno’s eye smile and Renjun’s snaggle tooth mouth smile are the only things which keep him in his chair today. And he really tries to play the good employee, so he can leave on time for lunch. His boss, Taeyong, is understanding and tries to help, but Jaemin has to help himself first too.

The clock on his computers ticks to read 12.30pm and he launches out of his seat. Desperate to be anywhere but where he is.

**_Let’s meet at the Sushi place near Jaemin’s._ **

Jaemin reconfirms the destination, which Renjun messaged last night in the group chat between the 3 of them. Some days that chat is the only thing he lives for.

Surprisingly Jeno and Renjun are already seated in the restaurant, and Jaemin notices their bodies are closer than normal. When did that become a thing?

He feels a twinge inside his gut. Something bad is about to happen. He knows it with every fibre of his being. Jaemin’s not prepared but there’s no way out. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion.

 _“Hey_ ” he calls out as he approaches the booth, which is decorated with Japanese cloths and fake ivy. A weird combo.

“ _Jaemin_ ” Renjun calls back, a smile wide across his face. They’ve not seen each other in 2 weeks. Not Renjun’s fault of course, all Jaemin’s. Social interactions have become hard in the face of his recent condition. His two friends don’t know, and he doesn’t know if he’s ready to tell them yet.

Perhaps that’s why this is about to happen.

 _“Are you okay?”_ Jeno follows up Renjun’s greeting, but his voice is laced with concern instead of excitement. Of course, Jaemin isn’t okay but he doesn’t want to bring down the mood, so he waves it off with a yeah, yeah, work you know.

No they don’t know, but they don’t pry either.

Other events on their mind it seems.

They all order, and the talk turns to mundane talk, essentially made of up small stories from their daily lives. Too big for group chats, but not overwhelming for catching up. Jaemin doesn’t offer much, but it seems Jeno and Renjun have been busy together. The gut feeling from earlier stabs back into his stomach. The thing he dreads the most is almost here. He feels it.

At last there’s a silence, and Jaemin take a big gulp of his drink. He knows he’s not adding any of his own stories, but he doesn’t thing laying in bed, wishing he could die instead of feeling nothing is really appropriate table talk for a Tuesday lunch.

It’s Renjun who speaks up first, _“Jaemin we wanted to talk to you about something.”_ He throws a shy smile towards Jeno, and Jaemin’s heart drops. This is it. This is the moment that is going to break him. _“Jeno and I are dating.”_

Crack. Jaemin’s world caves in.

 _“Con….gratulations”_ words Jaemin forces out way too late for it to be anything but awkward. _“I’m really…really happy for you guys.”_ He’s not but he can’t say anything. Jaemin’s not a selfish person. They deserve their happiness.

 _“What’s wrong Jaemin?”_ Jeno asks again. It’s about his reaction to their news, but Jaemin knows there’s a deeper question underneath, it’s about everything.

About everything Jaemin has and hasn’t been over the past four months. His downward spiral into hell, and his first-class ticket. This isn’t the first time Jeno’s asked him. Renjun’s asked in his own too, but Jaemin’s been friends with Jeno for longer. All their lives practically and knows that something is terribly wrong with Jaemin.

But he can’t let them in.

Can’t let Jeno in, because then he’d know.

Jeno would know how deeply in love he was with him, and how worthless he feels everyday of his life about being unable to function. How he can’t bare to be around anybody but Jeno. Though lately not even Jeno can push through the despair which has creeped into Jaemin’s heart.

His pain has pushed Jeno into Renjun’s arms, and he feels the cavern in his soul widen even further away from his friends. From the love of his life. Jaemin can’t answer, nor can he stay. He gets up quickly, and the two boys in front of him throw their heads back in shock. Worry across their features.

 _“I’m sorry”,_ Jaemin whispers and runs out of the restaurant.

Running as fast as he can. Not caring that he’s left his coat in the restaurant. The one with his phone and wallet in, but at least he has his keys. Jaemin goes to his safe haven. His bed.

And once the covers rise over his head he weeps. He weeps for everything he has lost, for everything he will lose because of his illness.

Because depression is eating him alive, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

*

His tears wear him out, and he sleeps. Work is long forgotten, and when he wakes, he has no idea what time it is, as his phone has long served as his timing device. Venturing out to check the time feels too much. Everything is too much.

He remember the awful feelings of before and Jeno and Renjun’s announcement.

Jaemin’s heart hurts more and not in a way that’s manageable.

His heart is black and cracked.

Cold and heavy.

He doesn’t want it anymore. He hates it all. He tries to remember all the things he holds onto when he feels so adrift like this. When he’s lost in an endless sea.

But he can’t.

Thoughts which usually save him are of Jeno and his not funny jokes, which always make Jaemin laugh. Of his eye smile, which comes out when he’s truly amused. Of years of true and deep friendship, where Jaemin is loved unconditionally. Other thoughts which help, are of Renjun’s quick wit and playful banter. And the soft caresses, Renjun’s taken to giving Jaemin lately.

Those thoughts only come out when he’s truly desperate though, because they make him more confused and Jaemin doesn’t want to feel anything anymore.

Minutes or hours pass by, he doesn’t know anything but pain, and the not-pain.

It becomes too much, and all Jaemin can think about it is stopping it.

He can’t feel this way anymore.

He won’t.

The endless mornings of dread, the sleepless night waiting for the sun to rise and for the painful cycle to continue, and now the loss of his relief. His anchors Jeno and Renjun gone.

Jaemin doesn’t want to be part of a world where he’s alone and they are together. He wants them, but they don’t want him. And that hurts too much for his broken heart to comprehend. Jaemin scrambles to the bathroom, oblivious to the sounds of knocking at the door.

Everything now just sounds like background noise, a continuous pulsating rhythm he tunes out. There may be voices but he can’t hear them.

In the bathroom, he yanks open the cabinet to reveal his prey.

Two sharp razor blades.

Wanting to feel something, the sweet release of the blades slipping across his skin is all he can focus on. Keys jangle, blades glisten.

He doesn’t realise tears are dripping down his face. The pain too much too keep inside. A blade in hand, he sinks down beside the bath and raises his left arm. His right bringing the blade up to prick the skin. The focus on what’s to come becomes Jaemin’s whole world.

In this moment he has to think of nothing else, and it’s freeing.

The razor pierces his skin, and a tear of blood rises up, and waits for more to join it. Jaemin presses harder and starts to drag it down. Blood glistens like his tears, replacing them, and making Jaemin feel as light as a bird.

His wings spread to fly.

 _“JAEMIN”_ panicked words scream into the abyss of his bathroom and Jaemin raises his eyes, momentarily distracted from the task at hand. His eyes lock with the concerned orbs of his friends, of the loves of his life, but he doesn’t really see them. He can’t. He’s not really there.

Jaemin’s soaring above.

Renjun’s screams again, and this time rushes forward.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? What have you done?” is all Jaemin hears. He tries to pull the blade further down, but something grabs hold of his wrist. A powerful motion, something only Jeno could do. The only one with the power to stop Jaemin.

Jaemin’s flow transfers once again from the blood on his wrist to tears in his eyes. Joined this time though by the boys hovering over him. Jaemin half enters reality and surveys distractedly the devastation around him. Jeno pulls the blade from his hand, whilst Renjun grabs one of the towels which hang by the bath, desperately trying to stem the flow of his blood. The cut isn’t huge, but to the two in front of him, it must seem like a gorge.

Once done with disposing of the razor, Jeno’s hands cup Jaemin’s face as he tries to catch Jaemin’s eyes, and calling his name, but Jaemin can’t focus on anything. A light slap on his cheek is what brings him back to reality.

 _“Jaemin, can you stand up?”_ Renjun speaks softly, as if to a frightened cat. Jaemin nods and they head to his room. Jaemin propped up between the two. Jeno pulls back the covers and encourages him to get in, so he does. Jaemin is so, so tired.

Looking down, he realises his arm is bandaged up, but he can’t recall it happening. The world is still out of sync, but at least he can see Jeno and Renjun sat beside him. One of his hands in each of theirs.

He drifts off to sleep once more, only waking slightly to the sound of whispers and then a firm pressure on each of his sides. Encased in love, Jaemin falls back to sleep in silent pain. Knowing what he needs is right in front of him, and he’s unable to reach for it.

Sunlight streams into his small bedroom, he lives by himself in a small apartment, but he doesn’t awaken alone. The two boys who may have saved his life, lay beside him and for a fraction of a moment, Jaemin feels something other than despair.

Something like hope.

But he squashes it down because it can hurt him. He doesn’t want more pain.

 _“You awake?”_ Jeno asks quietly, as he strokes Jaemin’s hair. It feels good, and Jaemin leans slightly into it. Trying not to overthink for once. He deserves a break. His body turns slightly and his eyes flick to his other side to see a still sleeping Renjun. He feels fondness seep into his heart.

Jaemin doesn’t know what’s happening.

 _“I’m sorry”_ is all he can say, he keeps his eyes on Renjun though. His words are for Jeno, but he can’t look him in the eye, whilst admitting what he almost did.

 _“You scared me Jaemin”_ Jeno pulls Jaemin into his chest. Jaemin lets him and feels his body sag against Jeno’s. It’s been a while since they’ve been this close. Not by Jeno’s decision, but because Jaemin’s heart hurting too much.

 _“Can you tell me why? Why you would do such a thing_?” Jaemin hears the underlying question Jeno is trying to ask.

**_Is it because of me?_ **

_“I…I…it hurts so much Jeno. I hurt all the time. I didn’t want to be in pain anymore_.”

It’s the most honest Jaemin’s been with anyone in months, and he feels brave enough to continue.

_“…and I’m in love with you Jeno, and I feel so bad because Renjun is special….I just didn’t want to feel bad anymore. I’m so sorry.”_

Jaemin can’t continue because his throat closes up, and sobs rip from his chest. All the emotions he’s been burying for weeks come tumbling out and his whole-body shakes, as his sobs growing louder and louder until he can’t breathe.

Then he feels a soft circular motion on his back, and he focuses on that.

His head is still in Jeno’s chest but it’s the murmurs which begin shortly after that bring him back to calmness. _“It’s okay Jaemin. We’re here. We’re not going anywhere.”_ Three short sentences which allow Jaemin to feel ok.

He calms, and Renjun hugs him from behind. Jaemin is encased between his two loves, and he’s okay.

*

Later, Renjun cooks them food, after dashing to the local shops. Jaemin’s been living off Ramyum and take out for months. They settled around the table, eating in silence. Nobody wanting to broach the elephant in the room.

Finally it’s Jeno who speaks up.

_“Okay. There are two things we need to talk about. One, about Jaemin’s situation. Two, about Renjun’s and mine’s relationship.”_

Jaemin winces at Jeno’s words. He knows Jeno’s not trying to hurt him, but it hurts anyway. Renjun squeezes his hand. Jaemin throws a guarded smile his way. It hurts to look at them.

 _“Jaemin, is it ok if I speak for a bit? Then we want to hear what you have to say?”_ Jaemin nods, thankful he has a little longer to think about what he’s going to tell them. How to make this seem not as bad as it looks.

God, it must look so bad.

Him lying on the floor, blood running down his arms dripping onto the floor, and with him so out of it. He would have been terrified to see himself.

_“We think you need to see someone Jaemin. A professional. We know this has been happening for a while, not how bad, but we’ve noticed, and you deserve to get help Jaemin. You don’t have to do this alone okay.”_

Jaemin’s eye mist up. He’s been so alone in all this.

 _“We can talk more about that, but onto the next bit, which is more complicated, considering the implications of today, but we don’t want to be dishonest with you Jaemin.”_ Jaemin braces himself again.

_“When we told you earlier about our relationship, you didn’t let us finish. Yes, we are dating now, which is super new and great, but also, it’s kind of wrong. At first, we didn’t really realise what was wrong, but Renjun suggested it might just be that we were missing something. And….it just made so much sense, because without you Renjun and I don’t make sense.”_

Jeno pauses for a moment, letting his words sink into Jaemin’s brain, which are not computing fully but they get the jist of the matter.

 _“Without me?”_ Jaemin points at himself.

Renjun picks up the story _, “Jaemin I know you’ve loved Jeno for a while. I don’t know how long but I see it in all your looks and interaction. And on top of that, I have no idea how you feel about me, but I think you’re the most incredible human being and I like you a lot. It’s not love, I don’t want to lie to you, but it’s something. Without you, Jeno and I don’t work. You make us whole, and what we wanted to say in the restaurant was would you consider going out on date with us?”_

Renjun’s eyes have misted over, but he looks hopeful. He’s amazing, and Jaemin spends a moment or two getting lost in Renjun’s eyes. Jaemin then switches his line of sight to Jeno, who looks as hopeful as Renjun, but a bit more bashful. He breathes deep knowing it’s his turn to speak.

 _“I’m not really sure what to say. First of all though Renjun, you’re right. I’ve been in love with Jeno for years.”_ He pauses to look at Jeno, who just grabs his hand in reassurance. _“Lately though, I’ve been feeling all sorts all things around you too, but I’ve just pushed them aside. I’ve been so confused with everything else, I didn’t want to face them, and in all honesty I’m afraid too”._

With the easier bit done, Jaemin steels himself before continuing. It’s never easy to talk about his illness, nor about how he feels. The vocabulary is just not there, and it’s difficult to make people understand. Not that he’s told many people, but all those in his past have never understood or have walked away.

_“I don’t know when these feelings, or lack of feelings, started, but it’s been happening for years. In the past it would be periods of 4-6 weeks, where I’d just feel so low and out of it, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Then a few years ago it started to get worse, lasting longer and becoming overwhelming to the point I found it difficult to even get out of bed in the morning. This time has been the longest period ever, and I’ve sunk lower than ever before. I didn’t tell you guys because I didn’t know what to do about it. I thought it would go away but it didn’t, and I was feeling so empty, that I could barely stand to be around anyone.”_

He doesn’t know to how to continue or whether he needs to. They answer for him.

 _“Can we hug you Jaemin_?”

Jaemin nods and reaches out for both of them. They move around the table and encase him with their arms. They don’t move for a long time; each boy processing the words they’ve shared.

_“I don’t know if I’m ready for any kind of dating, but I know I want to be around you both. I want to get better, and I think I’m ready to get help. Is that ok?”_

Renjun and Jeno hug him tighter.

Jeno answers, _“Take all the time you need Jaemin. We’re not going anywhere.”_

Jaemin doesn’t feel like all his problems are fixed, nor does he think everything will work out perfectly but what he does feel is a slither of hope, and maybe that’s all he needs.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. This was definitely therapeutic for me, but like I said. I'm always here to listen.
> 
> Twitter: @na_emily


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